Delicious Randomness

Evidently there was a poll taken in my extended blogging absence that asked what my next topic should be. Obviously, for those who do not know my wife, that is a subtle nudge for me to post. She’ll never admit it, but I will dime her out in a heartbeat. Love you, hon! So I actually started this blog in June, but then the FOB Hammer gods saw fit to zap my computer cable with a power surge, so I had to buy a new one…and so on. Hence why I am writing this a month later.

So now here I am, jamming out to my iPod in my office when I should be working and earning the paycheck I receive that you are all being taxed for. Since I really feel much more sarcastic than sweet tonight, I’m going to drop some randomness on you all. Sorry romance lovers…I’ll definitely do a wedding recap in another blog, if only to show Mindy I am not completely unromantic (even if she already knows better). I’ll try to not make this a blog that only consists of gripes about the Army, but no promises.

Here goes:

Showers- Down in CHUston, we have these shower and toilet trailers that almighty KBR keeps up for us. The one closest to me that I use is a hybrid shower/toilet, unlike most of the others that are either or. When we first got here there was a water shortage because we had two brigades on the ground here, and everyone was really crazy about water conservation, which I’m totally down for. But since then, no issues. I don’t take a long shower, just a quick 3-4 minute deal that gets me clean and to work. The other day I was showering and was approached afterwards, while I’m brushing my teeth, by a young sergeant who took issue with my lack of turning the water off in between rinses. What?!?! You have to be kidding me. Our brigade published this list of rules back in the beginning that said to do that, but I do my part by keeping it short…plus, hey, I’m deployed and I think I deserve a nice shower from time to time. This guy obviously was trying to do the right thing, but come on. Don’t we have more important things to worry about out here, like hearts and minds and all that baloney? Just saying.

Lost- (IF YOU WATCH LOST, SEASON 4 SPOILER ALERT!!!) I am a huge fan of the TV show Lost. I watched all of the new episodes prior to leaving, but missed the block of episodes that were written post-strike and aired after I left. Mindy, wonderful enabling wife that she is (and also hooked on Lost, btw) sent me the last few episodes on iTunes. I watched them in a marathon session a few weeks ago. All I can say is HOLY SMOKES. I realize that these are now months old, but allow me a moment to reflect on the craziness that was the last part of this season. First they killed Alex, which I totally did not see coming (and, btw, an awesome acting job by the dude that plays Ben, Michael Emerson), then it appears they killed Claire. Jack’s a raving loony, Locke is in the coffin, Smokey went nuts on some mercenaries, Sawyer jumped out of a helicopter, Michael blew up, and the island moved somewhere. Wow. I’m bummed I will miss the beginning of the new season whenever that is- either way, I’ll still be deployed…wow, that’s a real downer.

My job- So I have this weird job. My title is battle captain, although I gotta be honest with you, there’s not much battle to captain. In a lot of ways, I am a glorified Staff Duty officer, which some of you understand, but for those that don’t, the SDO back in garrison is on duty for a 24 hour period and you basically deal with any issues that occur in your unit (soldiers getting arrested, emergencies, etc) and make sure the right people are notified. This is really my job here. (Some of you might be saying to yourselves, “Chris, I thought you were a signal officer?” – and you would be right. But to others, I am expendable excess guy, which I gotta say is not the most career-rewarding feeling you can have.) I work from noon to midnight, and I do things that vary from sending useless daily reports to coordinating flights for people to other FOBs. I do a few other things that I can’t really talk about (which sounds a lot cooler than it really is, honestly) but for the most part this is what I do. I also help write orders, which sometimes feels like the most important part of the job until I read the orders and discover that most of it is just telling our companies to submit equally useless reports. This is my life. I now look back to my days as a (gasp!) real signal officer when I was at Riley and wish I could have it all back. I have to fill out a form to submit to my rater for my annual evaluation, and I have no idea what to put for the things I did. This is when I need to tap my creative juices.

My moustache- This is news to Mindy, although I’m sure she’s not surprised. I am growing a moustache. A bunch of the captains at brigade decided to hold a stache-off, and I guess there will be categories for different mustaches. I’m really not into the competition, but thought it would be fun, so me and four other staff guys in my battalion decided to grow some sweet staches. Officers usually do NOT wear staches, and this would probably never fly in garrison, but the rules relax a little during deployment and it’s usually done for fun. So who am I to deny some fun? Mindy hates it- I grew a early-stage stache at the end of my last deployment and then wore it home (she made me shave it off that night, which I was fine with since it’s actually a little disgusting after awhile). I’ll get some pictures of this bad boy and post them at some point. I’m pretty sure I look like a deviant though. Which is really what I’m going for.

Soda- I am drinking way too much soda out here. Pretty much your only three options for beverages while you are deployed are soda, Gatorade, and water. Water gets old fast, but is a staple. Gatorade is hard to come by sometimes, and you really have to drink it in moderation or you are doomed to have an extraordinarily red/orange/purple tongue for some time. Plus, if you drink a lot of both, you will be constantly going to use the plastic phone booth outside. Soda always seems to be available, and it always seems to be the non-diet kind. Back in the real world I drink two sodas- Coke Zero and diet root beer. Sometimes I throw in Diet Dr. Pepper for fun. Out here I have been drinking Mountain Dew and regular Dr. Pepper like the factory had a fire sale. I don’t know what it is. I never drink this much, plus it’s not good to drink soda in the heat since it dehydrates you. Of course, I work in an A/C office, so that doesn’t really affect me, but still. I have to get in some sort of 12-step program.

Microsoft Office 2007- Our brigade just transitioned to Office 2007, and man was it tough. I have it on my laptop (and am typing in it right now actually) but it was still a big adjustment. Everything is different, and the nice little buttons I was so used to are gone and replaced by huge screen-hogging toolbars. I didn’t quite get why 2003 was not good enough for Uncle Sam, but I suppose Microsoft got a nice fat contract with DoD and then it trickled down to us. Thanks for nothing Bill Gates.

Okay, I’m done. I could probably go on and on for hours (military health care is a fun topic!), but really, none of you want to read all that. I’m surprised you’re still reading. So you can stop now.